April O'Neil: Warrior Princess
by Connie Nervegas
Summary: April defeats an enemy and arouses the jealousy of the true possessor of the mystic weapon used in her triumphant battle. A rather pretentious summary for a story inspired by Alex Hamato's bravery against an imaginary foe last night.


_Alex Hamato went looking around my house in the dark with a nunchuck last night in pursuit of a nonexistent prowler and I said if she chucked a guy in the head it would be on the news. So I got this idea._

April sat up straight in bed, her hand brushing a Gilmore Girls DVD case off the bed. She watched it only under cover of darkness when the testosterone levels in her apartment equalized. The boys hung around all that day, trying to break her dishwasher under the guise of a repair. The unit stood abandoned in the middle of the living room after Don whipped out a crowbar and yanked it out of the counter.

Mikey balanced a rack in his palm like a circus performer and said, "Bet you could soup that thing up and make it fly, like Tim the Tool Man Taylor."

"More power!" Don grunted.

She promptly threw a tantrum and a screwdriver at them.

Something rattled in the dark kitchen. Probably just the cat. If she had a cat. Hopefully, the apartment was just haunted. She'd rather have a ghost than a burglar. It could be Raph, stumbling drunkenly in the window to apologize belatedly for some perceived slight against her by giving lots of mixed signals and then disappearing mysteriously into the night like a big bat. A green bat anyway.

No, that was definitely too loud and clumsy to be a ninja, even a drunk one. She grabbed the nearest thing in arm's reach that could possibly cause bodily harm. Then she put down her Little Mermaid statuette that Don bought her online for her birthday and tried to find something a little more threatening in appearance.

An abandoned nunchuck lay near the end of the bed next to a stack of ragged comic books. Mikey generously gave her all the comic books he couldn't stand or he'd ruined and then left a nunchuck in her room after she chased him, threatening to tell Master Splinter that he and Leo had bought a girl's mud wrestling championship on her pay per view. Leo spent several minutes trying to justify ladies' mud wrestling as a legitimate sport that required skill and training. Raph smirked and suggested that the girls do exercises to make their tits bigger in those bikinis they wear. Leo called him misogynistic and suggested he do impolite things to himself. Raph suggested the same and asked if he should go turn on the mud wrestling for him, since Peaches was in the lead and he knew Leo was fond of her ass.

She picked up the nunchuck and cracked the door open. A black outline ransacked her desk, spilling the contents onto the floor. She called out, "Hey, get out of here! I'm armed and I'm not afraid to mess you up! I have a black belt in… some kind of dangerous martial arts!"

The black shape tripped over an end table and headed in her direction. She'd expected him to leave when he'd been caught, not head straight for her. Blast these unusually brave criminals cropping up all over the city lately. He reached out a hand to cover her mouth and she whirled her weapon upwards, bringing down the wood on the man's head. He went down with a crack and she stood over him, smirking momentarily at her triumph, glorying in feminine superiority. Then she realized he might wake up at any second and grabbed the phone to dial 911 and searched for some rope.

* * *

><p>"You're like an Amazon!" Raph gushed. April wondered if Raph only gushed when someone he knew performed some kind of unusually violent act. "You looked really washed on the news though. They should have given you more make up."<p>

She glowered at the back of his head as he made a sandwich in the lair kitchen, kicking the oven door shut behind him as it spontaneously fell open for the fifth time. "Thanks, Raph. That's really touching. Maybe I should have worn a paper bag on my head."

"You don't look that bad. It was cool how they had you on the news and then they had that guy demonstrate nunchaku. He sucked, but it was pretty cool."

She grabbed half of his sandwich and ignored him disgruntled growl of possession. "Yeah it was really cool how I got a criminal charge for owning an illegal weapon too."

Mikey thundered out of his bedroom, arms crossed and blue eyes burning like two pouty pilot lights. "That was totally unfair! I nunchuck burglars and all the time and I never get on the news! You do it once and they're giving you the key to the city! It's just because you're a girl! And I would look way better on camera! I'm more charismatic too! I bet they would give me my own TV show…"

Raph disappeared, muttering dark thoughts to himself. Either that or he was complaining because the cat threw up in his room again. His dark mutterings all sounded the same, whether or not they were about cat puke or the dark nature of humanity.

"I will gladly let you have all the glory and attention from my triumphant glory in battle and reap all the benefits," April said, cramming the sandwich in her mouth before a three fingered hand could snatch it away.

"Cool! I need to write a speech! Friends, mutants, borough residents, lend me your ears. Don't lend me your eyes because I'm too awesomely handsome for your minds to comprehend. So I have to talk from behind this screen like the Wizard of Oz. Too many ladies will fall in love with me! All the men in the city will be single and the population will go down…"

April reached in her purse and pulled out a piece of paper. "Were you locked in the lab with Don while he used the glue gun again?"

"Yeah, so?"

"You want to reap the rewards of my victory? Fine. Here you go. You can make out the check to the City of New York for my misdemeanor fine. It's a total of $1000. Turns out it doesn't matter if you have both or one. It still counts as a full weapon."

She left the gaping ninja to check on Don in the lab, to make sure he wasn't overcome by fumes.


End file.
